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<H2 ALIGN="CENTER">The Other Mommy in China</H2>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">&copy; 1998 by
<A HREF="mailto:JohnGBowen@email.msn.com">John Bowen</A></FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"><I>&#147;There&#146;s a time when you have to
explain to your children why they&#146;re born, and it&#146;s a marvellous
thing if you know the reason by then.&#148;,</I> I found this, admittedly
obscure, quote by Hazel Scott, the entertainer, by accident. It has poignancy
for a some issues at hand. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">The other night, my wife repeatedly coaxed then
finally instructed our nearly seven year old daughter to get ready for bed.
<I>&#147;You&#146;re mean&#148;</I>, our daughter reacted, <I>&#147;I want my
other mommy in China!&#148;</I> <I>&#147;We can talk about that
later&#148;</I>, my wife replied, <I>&#147;but right now I am asking you to
brush your teeth..&#148;</I> </FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">We were expecting this. Other FCC kids of the
same age we know are showing similar curiosity about their birth and birth
mothers. I was almost impatient for it to happen. The adoption fact came out
early. We discussed it from time to time. And really, it has not been difficult
at all. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">The <I>other mommy</I> issue though, is a bit
tricky. It is only a membrane away from the <I>probable abandonment</I> issue.
It is true, that few if any of us know how and why our children came to be
found and brought into orphanages. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">It is possible, I suppose, that some infants
were lost, confiscated, given up or whatever. But most of us, I think, are
under the impression that most of our children were foundlings, abandoned,
probably because of the one child per family policy and the general preference
for male children. </FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">My wife had to leave town on business early the
next morning. So at breakfast, I showed Melissa pictures of her supposed birth
place, Sanshui, and the orphanage and explained that there was little beyond
that that we knew.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">I explained that she was found and brought into
the orphanage. She asked if anyone knew anything more. I said not as far as I
could find out. But I promised to seek out as much as I could, if she wanted me
to. I also explained that it was not uncommon in China for children to be found
and brought to an orphanage. The country is crowded and life there is more of a
struggle than it is here.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">Melissa said she wanted to hear no more. It
made her cry, she said. And I suspected that her mention of the other mommy,
the night before was not really an expression of curiosity. I probably jumped
the gun, a bit. So I dropped the discussion. Frankly, I was relieved.</FONT> 
</P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">Melissa is not the sort to brood about things.
She is enjoying her childhood in a way that makes me envious. Never-the-less, I
know the question about &#147;the other mother&#148; will return. Of that, I am
sure. I wish I could be as certain that we will deal with it every time in the
best possible way for Melissa. My wisdom at this point goes no further than the
following five antidotes:</FONT></P>
<OL>
<LI><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"> Love her demonstrably, as we always have, to
mitigate any possible future sense of loss or pain of rejection; </FONT></LI>
<LI><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1"> Let her know that she is free to discuss and
stop discussing these issues any time she wants, with anyone she wants; </FONT>
</LI>
</OL>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">3. Make every effort to support and satisfy her
curiosity, to the extent that it manifests itself;</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">4. Reassure her that the desire (if there is
any) to explore her birth circumstances, irrespective of where it may lead,
will not change her relationship with the family she owns and belongs in;
</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">5. Maintain and cultivate friendships and
associations with other adopted children from China.</FONT></P>
<P><FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-1">Over the next few years I will read all I can
find on the subject and will consult experts. As Melissa&#146;s teen years rush
towards us, it may be reassuring to have anticipated at least one aspect of an
age typically full of surprises for parents.</FONT> </P>
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<FONT FACE="Arial" SIZE="-2"><B>Last Updated: January 5th, 1999 </B></FONT> 
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